I (heart) Everything

Originally published: November 30, 2009

I really do. I pride myself on being just about universal in my feelings. I ♥ all the normal stuff, like kittens and cubs and milk chocolate and such things as you might expect someone like me might ♥. But that’s all so easy! It’s a sure bet everyone ♥s those sorts of things, and I’d be nothing special if I stopped there. 

No, I go a step further in my ♥ of everything. Like ♥ing ugly things, such as fat or disfigured people – which I do! And my ♥ extends even to things considered gross by most people – sputum, sweat, earwax - and more! I ♥ non-Christians, cannibals, homosexuals, Mongoloids and liberals. I ♥ Ramadan, Hanukah and that African sounding one, as well as Brussels sprouts, burritos and egg foo young. I absolutely adore everyone at my hunt club, and each and every deer, rabbit, fox and vagrant who provides us with such wholesome fun. 

I even ♥ the un♥able, like Atheists – I sincerely believe that the Godless among us are very much in need of my ♥, and it is a great responsibility. Come to think of it, I ♥ responsibility, too! Believe me, it’s a huge testament to my ♥ of all things that I continue in my unrelenting ♥ duties. I am sure you’ll understand me if I confess that in my heart of hearts I’d ♥ to introduce these people into Hell’s perpetual fiery embrace because they certainly deserve it for their doubting and their philosophizing and their science and their double-talk, and it would be a very righteous thing to see their eyeballs burning and their skin melting from their bones (and re-forming only to melt again!) and their ears shriveling up as they scream and supplicate and beg for a mercy that will never ever come because they didn’t believe in the ♥ of the One True God. 

Having so much ♥ at the start of the holiday season fills me with good cheer and a deep, abiding ♥ of my fellow man that’ll float me right up to New Years. That I can feel the ♥ so deeply and with such conviction reassures me of the goodness and the rightness of everything. And as I told you before, I ♥ absolutely, positively everything.